losing your ult bias to human rights violations

[cheapdates]

So, the time has come. Wonwoo's enlistment is upon us.

ENTERING MY MILITARY WIFE ERA:

Wonwoo was the first member of Seventeen who caught my attention back in 2016, and he’s never lost his spot as my bias. There was a period of time, around when his mom passed, where I shifted my social fangirling to DK (my 2nd bias) out of... idk... respect? Empathy? It was clear Wonwoo was going through something and I just didn't feel comfortable consuming his content in the same way (with the jokes and the memes and the cheeky thirsting). It felt like a small way I, as a fan, could give him some space and privacy. But even then he's never not been been my guy. My #1 kpop boy.

Over the years, it's been such a privilege to watch him blossom both as a person and as an artist. He has such a poignant way of expressing himself and seeing the world. The way he chooses to share his hobbies and his thoughts and his feelings is so special. In a lot of ways, I think I'm able to feel even more affection and appreciation for him now, as an adult, than I ever could have as a teenager. He's really just such a strong, talented, hard-working person, and I think he deserves the world.

When his enlistment date notice dropped early last month, it hit me harder than I expected. And considering I already knew it was going to suck, I was almost as surprised by my own reaction as I was by the news itself. I was just so sad about it. And as an adult who’s very aware of the pitfalls of parasocial relationships, I know my feelings aren’t just about a 28-year-old man in another country whom I don’t personally know having to go away for mandatory service. It's about how Seventeen (and Wonwoo specifically) have been a part of my life for almost 10 years. They’ve been a major part of my positive coping mechanisms since I was a teenager. A source of comfort and happiness and distraction when things were really shitty, and there to make thing better when they were good, too. They've been with me during so many milestones and moments. So many highs and lows. A constant through a decade of life changes.

Despite knowing it was inevitably coming, I think the timing is what really threw me off and made my reaction so emotional.

For one, I had fully anticipated Hoshi going first. And as much as I love Hoshi, he isn't my my guy. So I definitely had it in my head that Hoshi's notice dropping would be the signal for me to start preparing myself for Wonwoo's. So being blindsided—not only by the order but also how early it came—made it hit harder. My 'plans' went up in flame.

The second, and bigger reason, is just how terrible January and February had been, both in my personal life and on a larger, world scale. February was especially awful, but then the first week of March felt like a turning point. I was finally feeling better, physically and mentally, than I had in months. And then his notice dropped just days later and it felt like having my legs kicked out from under me. I know, sounds dramatic, but, like I said, I genuinely didn’t expect it to affect me as much as it did. (While Wonwoo is my ult, he's not my first bias to enlist. Han Seungwoo's enlistment and everything leading up to it was a much more traumatic sequence of events and yet Wonwoo's still took me out harder.)

The initial shock and devastation didn't last too long. Just a day or two of sitting with it and reevaluating how I was going to process it. And, really, if I had to choose, I do want him to go as early as possible. I want him to be one of the first back, welcoming the rest home.

Selfishly, I feel like there is going to be this… drive to prove that SVT is still SVT when the first few members return and I want Wonwoo to be a part of that. I think there will be a wave of new content and a large effort to have active presence. When we get to the end of the enlistment era (assuming they continue enlisting as they are), it will be over 4 years from now. And that leaves a lot more room for things to change.

So, logically, this really is a better-case scenario. But it still sucks that it has to be this way at all. To be at such a successful point in your career, with so many opportunities coming your way, only to be forced to put it all on hold at some arbitrary time feels cruel. Whether you're an idol or just a normal person trying to achieve your dreams. And it's not just 'okay you have to go offer your service,' it's also like being exiled.

Right now, in a lot of ways I feel childish. Or maybe childlike is the better word. I feel very petulant, like I want to kick my feet and scream into my pillow: I DON'T WANT THIS. I DON'T WANT HIM TO GO. I DON'T WANT TO THINK ABOUT HOW DIFFERENT MY LIFE OR THE KPOP INDUSTRY OR THE WORLD IS GOING TO BE IN 2 YEARS.

I hate change. I hate having good things taken from me. But this is what you sign up for when you stan a boy group. And while Wonwoo leaving is particularly sucky, it also sucked when Jeonghan went and it will suck when Mingyu and DK go. And that's just my bias line. It will suck every time we get one of those dreaded notices.

It's hard to reconcile that while I do believe SVT will endure and thrive post-enlistment era, getting to that point is going to take a long time. And realistically, it's never going to be the same as it was ever again.

Which is why I'm choosing to be thankful that I was able to find them so early and spend so many years alongside them. I'm grateful I was there through so many of the difficult times, when they were underappreciated and struggling, so I could fully appreciate and be so proud watching them rise to where they are now. To say they’ve come far is an understatement, and they deserve every bit of success and recognition they’ve earned. I only wish we could’ve seen how far they could continue to climb together on this trajectory but unfortunately that’s just not how the industry works for boy groups. They're perpetually racing a ticking clock.

Enlistment isn't 'easy' and it isn't a 'break,' but it is a shift from the relentless pace they’ve been keeping for the past ten years (especially these last two and a half.) I hope Wonwoo finds peace in the stability of a set routine. I hope he gets consistent, solid sleep in his own bed. I hope he's able to rest his body and heal from any chronic injuries. I hope he takes pictures and plays video games and studies languages in his downtime. I hope he eats plenty of kimchi fried rice and buldak and braised spicy chicken.

Meanwhile, I'll try to wait patiently for his discharge date, and then for Seventeen's reunion, all while supporting whatever they continue to bless us with in the coming months/years.

Serve well, Jeon Wonwoo. Thank you for having such a positive impact on my life.

WRITING... OR LACK THEREOF?:

Phew. So. Now that I got that out my system…. how am I feeling about fic you may ask? (lol no one asked that but I digress…)

I only actually started writing for Seventeen in September 2023. But since then, I’ve posted over 500,000 words of fic (with probably another 100,000 sitting in WIP docs, lol). I want to say it's clearly a hyperfixation, but that has a negative connotation and I don't feel negatively about the experience at all. I’ve never had such a long, consistent stretch of time where I’ve felt this much passion and inspiration for writing. And becoming a writer in this fandom has opened the door to so much good. Through the fic community, I've made so many incredible friends, some of whom I talk to every day. (Here is where I plug The Carat Collective - a discord server for fic writers/readers that is currently my favorite fandom space to hang out in, by far.) I've seen huge improvements in my writing. I've not only felt creatively fulfilled but also motivated.

But as a Wonwoo-centric writer who understands themselves well, I always knew his enlistment would affect my output in some way. I expect one of two extremes: either I’ll slowly stop writing fic altogether or I’ll write even more to cope with his absence.

I can already feel the pull of my usual coping mechanism—the "I don’t like this feeling, so let’s pretend it doesn’t exist" method of competely disengaging and shifting my hyperfixation onto something else to distract myself. But I know that's silly. And counterintuitive. I still love Seventeen. I still love the rest of the members. I still have half my bias line active, with content yet to come from Wonwoo and Jeonghan. I still love my fandom friends, who bring so much joy to my daily life. I still want to write.

Younger me probably would’ve already packed it up. Made myself scarce before The E-Word Date so I could stick my head in the sand. But older me knows I won’t perish just because I sit with hard feelings for more than fifteen minutes.

That doesn’t mean I know what writing will look like for me going forward. I still have two long fics I’m really excited about finishing and posting. I have a dozen wips waiting for my attention. I get new brainworms every day. For as long as I'm enjoying it, I'll keep writing.

For a while now, I’d thought about doing some kind of writing project throughout Wonwoo’s enlistment. But every time, I talked myself out of it. The idea of committing to something long-term felt like setting myself up to fail.

But then, during his last voice live, Wonwoo hit us with the: "I'll congratulate you even if you get last place. As long as you did your best there's nothing else to ask for." And oof. Of course, he had to leave us with something gut-wrenching. But it was also so deeply and earnestly encouraging.

So, I want to try. Even if I fail. Even if I don’t follow through until the end. Because what’s the harm in attempting? Even if I only post three times, that’s still three more pieces of my writing out there in the world.

I’m calling it The MixTape Project. I'll be posting a Wonwoo-centric drabble or ficlet every week during his enlistment, inspired by a song I’m listening to at the time. I think it will be fun to look back on what kind of playlist it creates when all is said and done.

So, that's where I'm at. Going with the flow. Writing while it makes me feel happy and fulfilled to do so.

THOUGHTS ON TWITTER:

Back in February, when I was going through a lot, I took an unplanned break from Twitter. I was off it for about three weeks, and it was… pretty eye-opening. I always thought that because I was aware of how silly, stupid, and fleeting the fanwars and the toxicity and in-fighting were (especially on the international side), I was somehow above it and unaffected. But during that break, I realized that wasn’t true.

Even if I wasn’t actively engaging, even if I was just rolling my eyes as I scrolled past, my fandom experience was still being passively affected in a negative way. And even though I had curated my space as carefully as possible, I was still constantly being exposed to negativity through the things my well-meaning mutuals engaged with.

Which is a shame, because there are genuinely great aspects of fandom that I can’t access without Twitter—friends who don’t have an active presence elsewhere, quick & accurate translations, immediate updates, fanworks, pictures. Twitter can be a such good time and sometimes so funny and when the focus is just on enjoying the things you like, it's great. But unfortunately, more and more often, it's not that anymore. And, sadly, Bluesky just hasn't taken off yet in a way that makes it a viable replacement. (Be the change, I know, I know.)

Right now, in the wake of Wonwoo's enlistment, there's a lot of misery porn going around. And I'm not judging (because I certainly love wallowing and hurting my own feelings sometimes) but at the moment, it's just not serving me. It's not fun sad… it's just sad sad. So I'm thinking of stepping away for a bit again. Not completely, because it’s the only way I can stay in touch with certain friends. And because it’s where I can not only share my fic with a wider audience but also help boost and promote fellow writers’ works. But I do think I need a little space from the discourse & the current vibes because I'm sad enough without any extra encouragement lol.

So that's where I'm at today.

Our life experiences can be so strange. The idea of trying to share this post with a 'normie' friend who is so far removed from it all makes me laugh but I'm glad I do have spaces where I'm free to express such thoughts.

If you're here, thank you for reading. Thank you for being a part of this life experience with me.

ao3. twt. neospring.